Bike Smut Does Oregon

words MARY-KATE MORONEY

Bike Smut, didn’t see it cumming. The flyer hinted that the production content had something to do with bikes and sex, but what could that mean? Exactly what it sounds like, apparently: sex on bikes, sex with bikes, where to bike to find people to have sex with, and so on. The opening scene of the project follows a naked man ridin’ dirty through the streets of Luzern, Switzerland. The scene was the final project of an art student, who was expelled from his University for the explicit content (or possibly for biking through traffic like an asshole). The next screen reads “The Orgasm Trail,” a parody of “The Oregon Trail,” and our live host emerges to help us decide which route to take. Door number 1: top 10 bike orgasms.

What followed was an interactive stream of sex-affirmative short films created by inspired cyclists. When I say films, I mean actual fucking porn. About halfway through the production, we got a little strip tease from one of the female hosts, MissPoppyCox. As she got off thrusting vegetables between the spokes of her bike, Miss Cox shed her clothes until finally she was naked and rode off into the darkness.

Act 2: Confessions of a Pedalfile, “I love kids…bikes,” etc. Out comes our flamboyant host again, offering words of wisdom seamlessly applicable to both bicycles and sex. “It’s all about pressure, pressure got us here tonight; flat tires won’t get you anywhere.” More short films to follow, including step-by-step bike sex positions guide, bike porn poetry, and an elaborate display of pedal-powered dildo machines. As the films went on, the filth came out and shit got pretty real. Staying true to their claim that “obscenity is a community standard,” also came with a lesson: “Leave no mistake about your intentions, a spurned lover will walk out on you just like a motorist won’t see you on the road.” The final scene showed someone whackin’ it all over his bike, which read “I came on my bike.”

To top it all off, the equipment used to screen the smut was pedal-powered, and all of the films were sent in by legitimate kinked-out bike fanatics. That being said, the UO must have been just as confused by the flyer as I was because student fees effectively just paid to let us eat free popcorn and watch porn. I’m not complaining.

This entry was posted on Sunday, February 19th, 2012 at 12:16 am. It is filed under Blog. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed.